Decisive Positivity
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The Rule
I like being happy.
I like laughing and smiling and feeling accomplished.
As a corollary, I assume OTHER people like being happy, too.
I like to make people smile. I like to encourage other people to reach their goals and attain their dreams.
Slice of Life
Everyone’s life pie chart would look different, but I imagine that most folks have one slice dedicated to sparkling joys (and yes, it has glitter on it. Shush. This is my pie chart, not yours. If you want sequins, you can build your own.) Those are the happy moments in memory. Weddings, births, parties, gifts – whatever you look back on and remember as a happy moment.
I also imagine everyone has a slice of viscous, dark, unhappy pie. Deaths, terror, arguments, bridges burned, loss.
The majority of the pie, however, is probably neither of those things. It’s a featureless gray area I’m going to call the doldrums. Most of our live is spent in this area – where nothing exceptionally noteworthy happens to us.
Lists
Last year, I sat down and made two lists. One list of things in my everyday life that made me happy, and one list of things in my everyday life that made me unhappy.
The lists included things like cooking, writing, drawing, traffic, work frustrations, cleaning, pets … even new socks and toothbrushes were on the list.
Then I took both lists and distilled them down to their cores. Granted, these are oversimplified lists, but they’re still pretty accurate.
Things that make me happy
- Accomplishing Things
- Spending Time With Uplifting People
Things that make me unhappy
- Not Accomplishing Things
- Spending Time with Most Other People On The Planet
Action
So what did I do with these lists?
Set Myself Up For Success
I set myself up for success. I challenge myself with projects, both at home and at work. I know I am happier if I spend my at-home time accomplishing a goal than if I watch TV. I try to set aside time to spend socializing with my friends – those people who, together, our happiness is magnified.
I Practice List-Hopping
As often as I can, I turn things on my Unhappy list into things on my Happy list.
This one still takes a lot of effort and conscious practice, but I’m working on it.
Example – Driving
My expectations for the behavior of other people is a constant source of negative energy for me.
Traffic? ARG. I would enjoy driving if only it weren’t for those OTHER PEOPLE. Who let these morons drive?!
… who let these morons ruin my day? Oh, wait. That’s me.
Why am I in a hurry when driving, anyway? I know the roads are bad when there’s snow on them, I know I will find someone who drives too slow (or too fast, or too much to the left, or too much on the side, or, or or … ) And yet I am not only surprised when it happens, I am infuriated by it. Really? REALLY, self?
No. That’s not the choice I want to make.
I tell myself I’m not in a hurry when driving. I try to relax when waiting for a break in traffic. I play music that makes me happy, gets me dancing. I work on my stories or mental fanfiction during my drive to and from work. I give myself extra time on the days I know the roads are going to be bad.
I take the other person’s behavior out of the equation and I turn an activity on my unhappy list “driving” and turn it into an activity on my happy list “driving! yay!”.
Okay, maybe “yay” is a little too optimistic there, but at least I no longer dream about having laser vision so I can destroy the infidels on MY road.
(I still dream of lightsabers when I see how poorly some folks park. Obviously, this is a work in progress.)
Happiness is a Choice*
I have made a decision to actively seek positive energy, as often as I can.
Most people don’t make a choice. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Choosing to seek negativity would be something I’d consider to be a bad idea, but not making a decision is neither good nor bad, by definition.
I’ve found that my natural reaction to things is often negative – yet I like being happy. Those two things don’t coexist in a normal world. If I sat back and let life happen to me, my doldrums would be dark and murky. I’d rather have my doldrums – the emotional place I spend most of my time – be bright and cheerful. In order for that to be true, I had to step in and act.
You
What about you? Anyone out there, like me, struggling with naturally negative reactions that you don’t want to define your life? Anyone have any tips and tricks to help ‘turn that frown upside down’? Anyone look at their pie chart and not like what they see?
* I am not a psychologist, psychiatrist, or an ologist of any kind at all. I’m not talking about Depression with a capital ‘D’ in this post. If you suffer from Depression, I highly recommend seeking professional help to get you through it.
First off I like this post a lot. People often lose the concept that many of their reactions to things are decisions they themselves have made. And by people I do mean everyone, myself included.
Hell, just Saturday you and I were grocery shopping at possibly the worst time. There may in fact have been a record number of people in the store. This is not a situation I deal with well. And somehow, on a whim or by luck of by the Grace of God, my mental people went into a huddle and decide it was funny. The whole situation, the amount of people in the store, how hurried everyone was to get their purchases and be gone, how much everyone else was in their way.
Because of this, I’d say no more than a dozen times in that trip I smiled at someone because they jutted in front of me, didn’t notice me or just outright pushed me aside and where I didn’t get the return of shock, I got the return of a smile.
It was an interesting trip and again, I do not feel like I willed myself to be happy in that case (not trying to shirk responsibility or anything, I just don’t feel I used conscious decision to make it happen) but I do feel like it worked out very well.
Somehow the whole of the trip not only left me unfazed, but I really enjoyed it. My mind boggles at that last line, a portion of me doesn’t believe it.
That instance coupled with this post did get me to thinking. I do need to be more active overall, and not just sit idle just to not fail at things. I know I say this often, but it is still true.
.-= rhotley´s last blog ..A little something from me. =-.
@Rhotley
That grocery trip was awesome. Wicked crowds, and it wasn’t bad at all. Remember that gentlemen that politely motioned for us to go ahead of him? “I got all day,” he said with a smile.
I want to be that guy when I grow up.
…okay, well, no, not REALLY. I’d look funny with a moustache.
You know what I mean.
@Tami
I do remember him and felt in that instance that my reaction to the whole setting was justified.
.-= rhotley´s last blog ..A little something from me. =-.
I struggle with it every day. Some worse than others. Great post by the way, and I’m in love with this theme! Anyhow, yeah, I fight with myself almost constantly to beat the negatives away. Sometimes I win, sometimes I don’t. I just make sure I win more than I lose…lol
@Lady Jess
Thanks! I do think it’s a constant battle. It should get easier to fight the same battle as time passes – I get plenty of opportunities to practice patience when driving, so that’s one I’m not struggling with as much as I used to.
New irritants are more insidious, though.
First off, I want a copy of the bunny drawing to frame and put in my office. =)
Secondly, I love this post. I, too, suffer from the knee-jerk negative reaction to most things. Lately, I just blame pregnancy hormones making me irritable, but, truthfully, I know it’s not ENTIRELY that. I’m just being negative because it’s easy to do. It’s easy to take out any frustration on any immediate situation that has a least amount of irritation in it – like the crowded store or idiot drivers or a relative that just grates on your nerves. It’s even easier to do when there is someone with you who shares your frustration towards said circumstance.
This is not to say that there aren’t legitimate situations in which irritation is rightly justified, but I would venture to guess that a vast majority of ones we place in that category probably don’t need to be there in the first place.
I like the list idea. I’ve been trying to stay as positive as I can lately mostly for my pregnancy and the health of my baby and some days it’s harder than others.
But the effort is there and having at least one other person support you in that initiative (husband/wife, close friend, family member) helps immensely.
*golf clap*
.-= Tristina´s last blog ..Tristina’s Book List for 2010 =-.
@Tristina
It’s even easier to do when there is someone with you who shares your frustration towards said circumstance.
Too true! I read a post on Kelly Diels’ website, Cleavage, recently, that talked about how venting with friends isn’t a good thing because it keeps you from having to actually deal with the problem.
I’ve been doing a LOT of venting. The more I think about it, the more I realize I’m just piling my negativity on my friends. If I don’t actually want to change my reaction to the thing I’m complaining about, then I am hugely taking advantage of them to do it. Regardless of whether we all get to vent or not, it’s not healthy.
Mr. Moore and I started pointing out when the other person was venting. We’re still supportive and there for each other, but we’re also trying to help each other from using that crutch.
At this point I feel Callahans Crosstime Saloon should be mentioned.
.-= rhotley´s last blog ..A little something from me. =-.
I find I’m the sounding board when it comes to my friends – how that happened, I have no idea. So, when I want to / feel the need to vent, I usually turn to my husband or my mom.
Is that a good idea? Eh, depends on my level of venting. If I’m just ranting to rant then, no, not a good idea. And my husband especially has become very good at calming me down and telling me that I’m overreacting. If I’m trying to figure out a solution in the midst of my frustration then “constructive venting” sometimes helps.
.-= Tristina´s last blog ..Tristina’s Book List for 2010 =-.
@Rhotley
That’s probably its own post. =]
@Tristina
I was the sounding board for my friends in high school. Anyone had any troubles, they came to me. The moment the sunlight burst through the clouds, they were off with their other friends.
That is a dangerous, dangerous place to be with regards to relationships.
Sometimes ranting/venting can cool you off enough that you can find a solution. I think that’s a person by person basis. Some folks, it just gets them more worked up and feel more justified in their anger. Others, it lets off enough steam that they can see the problem more clearly.
One’s good, the other’s bad. Personally, I end up doing the bad version more often than the good version. =]
[...] reminder and a bit of inspiration I can use going forward. Thanks to Tami, I’m reminded that Happy is a CHOICE. It’s a great article, and one I need to keep in mind for the next six months. I can make [...]
Great post hon!
Also I alway get a kick with the picutre, hehe. I think it is excellent you are making a conconuisu effort to bring more joy and light into your life. I have the problem, like you said, of seeing the negative first. After I blow off some steam I am usually able to see the other side. Though I have to remember this and try to take those moments of frustration and annoyance and turn them into good things.
*hugs*
@Bre
I think being able to turn bad into good is the advanced version of deliberate positive thinking.
[...] Tami Moore’s guest post about writing over at Too Many Anna’s was inspirational, down to earth, and a fun read. Tami is always full of awesome, but this post really struck me as a new struggling writer. She also had a thought-provoking post on her own blog about positivity. [...]
Good Grief!! Every day I find something new in your blogs, posts, literature, art work! Holy cow!!
Story #1
Flipping through the channels last week, there was an infomercial entitled “Tammy Lost 148 Pounds.” When I read this title out loud, all three of my children squawked, ‘TamiJean?? Really? On TV?!”
But Dr. Fandango spoke up and said, “No, it must be some other Tammy, because TamiJean doesn’t even weigh 148 pounds.”
“How do you know what she weighs?”
“I’ve seen her picture on her blog.”
“I have never seen a picture.”
“Well, that is because I am not a forty year old and I know how to navigate through a website.”
“Clearly a more important skill than navigating through life without being poisoned by your mother. I am envious.”
“Well, that and I have much cooler hair, so no one is surprised.”
“Wonder how I can poison TamiJean, as this is clearly her fault.”
Comment in General:
My mantra five years ago was “I am in charge of my own happiness.” There are times when happiness comes more freely and there are times that you have to fight every day to find happiness. Somewhere in my archives is my Happy Book. I kept it handy for years, listing all the things that made me happy as they happened. There are quotes and incidents, along with lists of things like geraniums on a front porch. It had an amazing power to remind me that many things make me happy and the sour things in life are not what I want to focus on.
Harder still, and thus the need for the mantra, was only being able to sit by while my husband struggled with a serious depression. No words or actions on my part were helpful and I found myself getting angry, sad and frustrated as the quality of my life diminished. So every morning, along with my cup of coffee, I uttered my mantra. I did not need to give up my happiness, but I needed to fight harder to find it. There were days I felt guilty, but I reassured myself that not only would I benefit from this attitude, but my children surley would, and eventually my husband would as well. (I was right, by the way, because I always am.)
By the way, Bob later “confessed” that his depression was caused by my cooking, and since I have improved, he can now have a better outlook on life. Yeah, cuz the death of his grandmother and the suicide of his friend were non-issues, but my cooking is just that bad!!
Story # 2
We were at Nanny’s funeral. Nick was four and Jessica was about 7 months old. She was tired and out of her environment the night of the wake, so I was sitting there cuddling and cooing trying to relax her. Nick came up to me and help out his hand. There he held a coin purse.
“Oh, honey, where did you find that? We should try to return it to the person.”
“I took it from her hand.”
“Someone gave it to you.’
No response.
“Whose hand, honey?”
“Nanny’s.”
GASP.
“Nanny’s hand? In the coffin Nanny?”
“Yeah, I wanted something to remember her by.”
“Okay, we need to find your father.”
The coin purse was with Nanny as a way to say thank you from one of her great-granddaughters. Nanny had given it to her years earlier and she wanted Nanny to know she appreciated it.
Bob took us back to the hotel and he had Nick write a note with a picture and then put it in the coin purse. We went back to the wake, and Nick gave the purse back with his note.
We were all good and somber.
The next morning, on the way to the burial, Nick shouted, “Dad! What is everyone doing?? We need to go to the hardware store! Nobody brought SHOVELS! How are we gonna bury her???!!!”"
THEN we lost it!!!
It is important to teach children funeral etiquette!!
@Anne
*giggles*
1) I have not lost 148 pounds. I HAVE lost 50 pounds, though I wasn’t featured on television for it.
Note to self: Do not accept baked goods from Anne, as she is trying to poison you.
Also, my cooking was pretty terrible for a while there, too. Mostly because I was afraid of vegetables and I thought macaroni and cheese was high cuisine and rice-a-roni wrapped in a tortilla was “improvising”.
2) Clearly, television and movies are to blame for the shovels thing. And thank heavens the shouting happened BEFORE the burial rather than DURING.
I’ve never been to a funeral – I shall have to remember that shovels are not necessary, and not to take things from inside the coffin. Your family teaches me new things every day!
TamiJean,
Well, your cooking did not cause a depression, so give yourself due credit.
Bob would point out that I wouldn’t poison anyone INTENTIONALLY, but I punish people with my wickedly long lectures about life!
I wish I could blame televsion and movies, or video games and the internet. I must endure this guilt alone.
And I must guess that you are under thirty. Funerals do not become part of your social life for another ten years of so, but your lessons are well-learned just the same.
@Anne
I am available for wickedly long lectures from you at any time, madam!
I am indeed under 30, and very much not looking forward to funerals becoming a part of my life. I only hope the shovel advice sticks with me till then.
Well, much like your post professes, funerals are a part of life and there should be no reason to have a negative response to them. Some funerals are better than others, true, but all should be viewed as a celebration.
Further comment #1
I was unfamiliar with the term steampunk and had to google it this weekend. Aha! Thank you for that new term. I am familiar with the genre, just did not know it WAS a genre.
By the way, Mr. SHSSF is very much enthralled with Jules Verne at the moment. I am certain I will be told to read (or reread) one of his novels soon.
Dr. Fandango is currently pushing a Steve Martin book, but I need to finish the Bob book, “The Biology of Belief.” That book fits my philosophies and I really liked it.
Comment #2
Mr. SHSSF read some of your Warcraft fiction and was left befuddled. I will encourage to try other stories, as I think he will enjoy your work. I will let you know.
Anne, how are you and yours not already reading and contributing to Choose?
/baffled
:P
@Anne
I need to read some Jules Verne. I think I’ve finally gotten over my high school inspired hatred of “classic” books and could read them with an open mind. =]
I’ll have to look up The Biology of Belief – I’m unfamiliar with it.
As to the Warcraft fanfiction – yes, I think working knowledge of the World of Warcraft game is probably required on those.
As Rhotley mentioned, I suggest Choose – it’s by far my most popular writing venture, plus the readers get to vote on the contents of the story. =]
http://tamimoore.com/choose
There’s quite a bit of writing up already, but the “Read the Story” should make it easy to catch up.
http://tamimoore.com/choose/the-story/
@ Rhotley,
I did find the time to read the first installment, but have thrice failed to read Handsome Hank. Could I get that published in a little booklet form for ME??
It will take me the better part of two weeks to read through it all and get caught up to date.
Dr. Fandango spends his spare time on his nanobot project and Mr. SHSSF was shown youtube clips on how to maim himself by his father and is now spending his spare time practicing cool swing tricks out back. I wish I could tell you fun reasons like that for my inability to fit that reading in, but it really is things like I need to leave the office, go pick up contacts for the blind and the dumb, and then finish my paperwork at home before I pick up kids and cook a disgusting meal for dinner!!
I am baffled, too, about how my life got to this point, but there you have it.
@Anne
*laughs* Volume 1 of Choose should be available through lulu.com for purchase by the end of February, if things go according to plan.
Nanobots? That’s FASCINATING. I’d love to know more!
Not all of us can read at speeds unbearable to human eyes like Tami.
They call here Reader Moore.
That’s one of mine.
@ Rhotley,
Well, when I was young and beautiful, if I was under stress and pressure, I found that I could read amazing amounts of literature to calm me down. However, I could not recall one bit of what I read.
So to study for a genetics final, a quick reading of “Crime and Punishment” was necessary. Cannot name a character or tell you the plot of that, but I know that it was a very good book. And I aced the final.
@ TamiJean,
The Biology of Belief is …. um… a book. A philosophy. A way to look at how you and your attitudes shape your life. I can’t find it, so maybe Bob took it already, but I think the author is Bruce Lipton. Bob knows that if you put things into some sort of science context, I am more apt to discuss them and recognize them. (Remind me to tell you how he won the Iraqi War argument. ) I do not know if you enjoy reading such books, but I do think you would enjoy the postulates presented.
@Anne
I’m unabashedly flippant when it comes to my reading material. I like unicorns and bunnies and colorful magic. But I’m not AFRAID of science-y books.
Nope.
…it doesn’t bite, does it?
Nope. Not literally or metaphorically.
Having marred my own attempts at happiness today by spewing some anger that I have been forcibly re-directing for days, I am going to try to bring balance back to my life with the always fun NOTES IN A LUNCHBOX!!
A few years back, it was merely labels on the food items. Sweetie Pie was in kindergarten and I thought it would be fun for her. Fun for everyone! But seeing as Dr. Fandango was in eighth grade then, I had to be creative, so I employed other languages. The best was when I labelled the foods in Norwegian (I think) and the the fruit was fruckt. I sent Dr. F off in the morning and told him that under no circumstances was I to get a call from the school that day. (He had recently learned the word masticate and shared that word with friends, in which case there was a detention served for excessive use of mastication in class!!!)
Yesterday, Mr. SHSSF did NOT read his note, but employed a friend of his to do so. This child complained that the note used words that no one knows. That’s a challenge right there!! I have promised Mr. SHSSF that I will enscribe the next note to Griffin personally and make him cry at lunch!!
Maybe, now that I see it in writing, there is no balance in karma by attempting to make an eleven year old cry. Maybe I am just an evil person, but regardless, I think this will be fun!! But I should rethink the karma thing! I may be on the wrong track with this strategy.
@Anne
You’re probably the best mom ever, by the way.
You make me jealous of your momness even though I have no desire to be a mom, myself, which is a pretty epic achievement. It’s like watching figure skating. I don’t want to BE a figure skater, but some of those people make me think that if I WAS a figure skater, I’d want to be just like them.
That’s you, only with momhood.
Well, interesting indeed.
I was usre, in my early teens, that the most difficult and challenging job I could ever take on was being a mom. And I wanted that very much, although I kept that a dark secret. I still am suspicious and leary of girls/women who says that being a mom is their goal in life.
However, I still contend that had I known for certain that children were not to be part of my life, I would have NEVER married. I find being married an impossible task!!
Having to give up so much of myself for children has been quite easy. But giving up my space, my time, my finances, my meal planning, my goals and hobbies for a grown adult…PLEASE!!
Bob and I dated for about five years before we married. We were an atypical couple. We did not call each other endlessly. It was not mandatory that we spend the weekends in each other’s company. One of my friend’s at the time was aghast to find out that I had a steady boyfriend. “I’ve had lunch with you every day for six months and you have never mentioned his name, his existence or the relationship!!!”
A cousin later asked what the difference was between living together and being married. I never lived with Bob…that is just STUPID!!!… and again people were quite surprised.
I love Bob dearly and he has added depth and meaning to my life and I would have stayed in a realtionship with him as long as he wanted to, but marriage has always been something I would like to avoid.
My aunt once gasped, “You got married JUST to have kids?”
I suppose. I didn’t really think of it that was, per se, but it is probably true.
So I marvel at your desire to be married without children. That is amazing to me. Being a mom is not so amazing, but I appreciate your kudos. I put lots of energy into making sure my kids have what they need to reach the goals they set for themselves and that is not always fully recognized because, wel, they are kids!! They don’t know!!
@Anne
*laughs* Every time I think about having kids, I realize I’d rather have a puppy. I’m very glad there are people who do want children, but I don’t think parents should be able to honestly tell their kids “if only you’d been a golden retriever, just think how much easier you’d have been to potty train!”
My husband is my best friend. NOT marrying him didn’t really make sense, and we only waited as long as we did because my mom politely requested we wait till after I graduated college and we didn’t have any reasons for waiting or hurrying.
You’re pretty awesome, momness or not. I’m very glad there are parents like you in the world, quietly raising tall, shaggy-haired children with nanobot projects and Norwegian-speaking sandwiches, though. =]
So when I tell my kids that I love avacados more than I love them, is that worse than saying it would be easier to have a golden retriever??
A big part of my anger has to do with people who have children and fail to actually parent them.
Ding ding ding! We have a winner!