Re-Un-De-Railing
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Busy. Busybusybusybusybusy.
Massive, giant, very big, not-enough-time-to-get-it-done project at work as basically consumed all of my energy and nearly all of my time for the past two weeks (including the weekends).
While I worked on that project, even THINKING about trying to write was exhausting.
Stained hasn’t progressed an inch, and Choose was delayed a week to give me some breathing room. Writing feeds my soul, but work pays the bills.
BREATHE!
However, the project is (mostly) over now and my work schedule is back to normal. Time to get back into writing.
Only … I’ve been off the writing game for a long time. Those of you who think two weeks off writing isn’t much, please realize that ANY habit, while being formed, can be severely derailed even by a single day off schedule. Doesn’t matter if it’s a diet, a workout plan, quitting smoking … or developing a writing habit.
The Pause
Deliberately pausing writing was a lot like stopping a train. I just pulled off the main track on to a side track, turned off the engines, and left it dark and quiet while I went away and did what I needed to do so that I could pay the bills and keep up my food eating habit.
Every day I was gone found a new layer of rust on the train and tracks and a few more inches of choking weeds grasping at the wheels of my locomotive.
The Return
By the time I returned, birds and small fuzzy rodents had built nests in the rusting behemoth. A small pond had formed under one of the wheels and a chorus of frogs chirped an alarm as I approached. A dragonfly the size of my hand buzzed close and zoomed off, wings thrumming the air against my cheek in what almost seemed a warning.
Getting that train moving again was not going to be easy.
I looked behind me and saw comfort and ease. With work no longer contributing stress, I could go back to gaming or tv watching or finally learn to knit or play guitar.
I looked before me and saw work. I could see how much effort it would take to get the train running – and writing is like having a train headed into the unknown. The future is black and uncertain, but the map leading to publication shows dangerous curves ahead. Rejections, critiques, failure – all this and more awaited me more certainly than blue skies and easy weather.
Was it even worth all the hard work and struggle I knew I faced?
Real Life
I blinked and the train was gone, a figment of my overactive imagination as it tried desperately to avoid facing the truth.
The blank Scrivener file on Athena shone up at me – pristine and waiting.
I had no idea what to write.
That’s not quite true. I did have an idea of what to write. I knew one or two events that I wanted to happen in the next Choose installment. I knew what needed to appear in the final project.
But I was uninspired. Listless.
“15. [Something],” I titled it, hoping that would help, that the act of typing might un-stopper the creative block.
Nope.
I answered a few emails.
Still nothing.
I washed a few dishes.
Unsurprisingly, still nothing. One day, I will find the magic thing that turns dishwashing into a creative fountain. For now, it just results in clean dishes, which I suppose is reward enough.
A Little Push
Mr. Moore tapped my shoulder. “Can I read it yet?” he asked.
I gave him a pitiful look and turned Athena to face him, so he could see the still-blank screen.
He gave me an encouraging smile. “You can do it. Try this. ‘Remora sat.’”
I blinked at him. He gave me a wink. “‘alone in a room,’” he added, turning the laptop back to me, then departing quietly.
A Tiny, Sarcastic Voice
I set Athena down and sighed at her screen. That’s not how the installment should start, I thought to myself.
It’s better than what you’ve got so far, a snide voice in my head piped up.
I had no argument. I began typing. “Remora sat alone in a room,” I typed, then sighed, staring unhappily at the screen.
You realize this has to be done before Wednesday if you’re going to edit it so it can be posted on Thursday, right? the snide voice added. Who cares if it’s perfect? You’re going to disappoint more people by typing nothing than you will if you post something you’re not in love with. “Full of Suck and Proud of It!” isn’t that what you and Bre say?
Stop picking on me! I pouted.
Stop being a ninny! the voice countered.
Again, I had no argument.
Writing Again
So, kicking and screaming and pouting all the way, I began to write.
About 100 words in, I began to enjoy it.
About 200 words in, I lost track of time.
About 600 words in, I realized that I was doing a lot of flashbacks, and maybe I could go ahead and spawn off an installment that happens before this one. I tapped Mr. Moore on the shoulder and asked his opinion, which he gave without so much as a single “I told you so” smirk (sorry ladies, he’s aaaalll mine).
Movement
I will write again tonight.
The train is still a bit rusty and tufts of uprooted weeds spurt from the wheels as they turn, making uneven slapping noises against the track while I pick up speed.
Shoveling coal into the firebox, I pause to tip my head out the window and let the passing breeze tangle my hair and cool me off. I catch myself smiling.
How can I possibly keep forgetting how much I love this train, this ride?
Your Train
If your train (or whatever metaphor you favor) has been lying in a fallow field somewhere, gathering rust and sprouting weeds – I hope you’ll go back and take a second look. I’m not saying you should dust it off and take it for a spin if you don’t want to …
… but don’t let fear (fear of failing, fear of sucking, fear of the unkown, or hard work) keep you from doing something that you love.
Just remember there is a group of people watching and cheering on every slow rotation on of those old train wheels makes.
This was really helpful for me. Thanks for posting it.
@Honorshammer
<3<3 Thank you!
And I am very glad that it was helpful for other people, as well. I think sometimes people get this image of highly motivated people as never facing those rusted, overgrown ruts – but I think everyone does.
I am blessed enough to have a husband who not only supports me when I’m up – he’s willing to jump down in the mud and help me push my train out when I need it. =]
I owe Mr. Moore a beer. Or three. You are both very, very fortunate. :)
.-= Steve Hall´s last blog ..Weekly Wrap-Up: June 14 =-.
Hot damn! I got all teary-eyed. Mr. Moore is a gem :D. I am so proud of you honey, for getting the engines running again. This post is so great and much needed. It helps show that even you, someone I think of a speeding supertrain, and someone I look to as my rolemodel has those moments. I am sorry you struggled at the page, but daggnabit, you over came it and rock!
If it was easy, it wouldn’t be worth it. A least that is what my mother always told me. :)
*Lovemuffins*
@SteveH
*grins* He likes a dark beer, but prefers an irish whisky.
…and yes. Yes we are. *hugs Mr. Moore*
@Bre
*lovemuffins* So true! If it was easy, it wouldn’t be worth it. And you see how our catch phrase is being used as motivation! <3
P.S. to both of you – shift+enter doesn’t close off a comment the way it does a wavelet. D’oh!
Good for you, chica! I’m glad your train wasn’t all rusted and falling apart. Full steam ahead!
And mad, glorious props to Lumber for applying that first bit of WD-40 :)
Just remember to close your mouth when you stick your head outside the train. Those darn bugs love to be swallowed with a rush of wind. ;-)
@Wilder
*pulls the train whistle*
@Byrd
Naaa, that’s extra protein.
.-= Tami´s last blog ..Re-Un-De-Railing =-.
Train metaphors are the best! *approval*
.-= Pike´s last blog ..Classic Video Game Monday: Jet Force Gemini =-.
@Pike
*grins* I tried for a dirigible metaphor, but I never quite got it off the ground. (har, har!)
*sigh* I miss your puns.
That, right there, was one of the best damn stories I’ve read in a long time. Excellently done, my dear!
@Steve Hall
Did I ever tell you the one about the guy that was hired to verbalize quality control and testing on hair removal creams? They called him the “Nair-rater”.
@Tristina
<3 Thank you!
@Tami
Don’t push your luck, lady.
.-= Steve Hall´s last blog ..Weekly Wrap-Up: June 14 =-.
Thank you! I really enjoyed this blog post. I have had to abandon my creative endeavours for the past few months due to work too, so I’m also finding it hard to push myself back into drawing and writing. I wonder why it seems so hard?
One answer is evidently that we all need a pocket Mr Moore clone – where can we purchase one? ;)
@Mazil
*laughs* Look for them in stores this holiday season! ;)
Waves to Maz
@Tami
So is there a Mrs. Moore “Girl-Friday” edition for us guys??
.-= Steve Hall´s last blog ..Test Post for FeedBurner =-.
@Steve
We’ve had some manufacturing setbacks with the female edition – the test models are reportedly too intimidating. We’ve pulled the model for now.
[...] A month off? Two months? A year? Some of you know what that feels like. Thank heavens I have Choose to give me a regular writing obligation, or I would, too. Even just a few weeks off became an obstacle I had to overcome. [...]